The Finch...

Like a finch I fly, with pride & zeal, Keeping this in mind, that I’ll be trapped for a deal. Each day I fly, without a hunch on my wing, My little beak opens, for melodies to sing. My tweet & my chirp, soothe unpleasantries of life, Because that is the only motto, of a tiny finche’s life. I hover in open fields, all alone I go, I was born in a nest, where I couldn’t steal the show. Mother Finch Father Finch, I owe you no hatred, Because the shell of my egg was kept very sacred. HE knew I was HIS, HE didn’t take any chance, With all beautiful colours, HE chicked me in trance. Wet after hatch, I was ugly & shitty, Fondled & cared by joy, sorrow & pity. Today I fear, no barb no thorn, My Life isn’t easy from, eve to morn. Neither is it joyous, because I wear a fake smile. I’ve to make laugh others, else, HE’ll trail me in exile. Mother Finch lives no more, but she left me few seeds, The seeds were of folklores, which taught me good deeds. Far at the horizon, the sun is about to set, C’mon let me live my life, before I’m trapped dead in a net. -Anil A.P. (26/3/11)

The Wild Berry...

My Heart crying & tired, Searching happiness & gleams. Thunderstorms of deception, Blazing my tiny little dreams. I beg those pure showers, To pour me their blessings & grow leaves of joy, On my withered branch like dressings. I plead for no flowers, Which will yield no fruits. I plead for no fruits, Which will yield no sweet taste. I plead for no birds, Which will sing no sweet melody. I plead for no wood-cutter, Who will axe me in tragedy. My tears are flooding wet, My stream of life dry. My life is without wings, But still I want to fly. My sorrows seem to rise, So high on my chest’s cleavage. I feel like cutting my wings of joy, & flush them down the sewage. Ye traveller in twilight, come & save me from draught. I’ll never forget your favours, which mean for me a lot. My blessing will grow, & gain you sweet cherry. Untouched & cursed, I’m called a Wild Berry. -Anil A.P. (26/3/11)

Love, Indeed!

You caressed my cheeks, with a soft warm ray, To fill in your absence, you got me seven seasons to play. You asked first showers, to wash off my past, You created thousand fragrances for me, which will always & forever last. You got the 26 alphabets, to prove Love is just not a four lettered word, You brought the delicate blossoms, just to lie down over sword. You got the moon & stars, to create the ambience of togetherness in wreath, You got the silent whispers of Love, to promise me companionship even after death. -Anil A.P. (26/3/11)

My Autobiography "“Sweet... Nothing’s in My Life...!” - Ch. 1 ( Introduction )

I have innumerable excuses for adding to this number.
It is my story – An exceptionally gifted guy, a decayed stock who is sidelined by many people including my folks & folklores. I was made rich, I was made feel sensuous, I was aristocratised, I was seduced, I was loved with their whole-being, I was abandoned when they heard violation, I was criticized I was betrayed. I was left without Love, I was left without hatred.
There were Sweet . . . Nothing’s in my Life. Perhaps this is all I should allow myself to say. I’m undoubtedly the source from which the energy of my write would spring.
I’m an exceptional man, a male by social status, but a gay of the spirit. Hence, I, without the nurture, inherit the nobility of Nature. Thus I’m a simple boy of nature but the beloved child of Almighty & the amalgamation creates the rare, passionate, proud, sensitive, transparent, open, strong, beautiful, cute boy who supports this write up. There are many tensions in my character which has led me to the gallows. The most obvious are those between humility & pride & between innocence & sensuality. But I make it clear that there won’t be any conflict between my thoughts & who so ever interprets while reading this.

My Autobiography - Chapter 2 (My Existence)

I’m a life at pause, a field mushroom, a fruit-laden tree, an axed-wood, a vital growth, an arid emotional starvation, a wounded chase, a consequences sufferer.
I halt & I turn back. I see my Life as an unfulfilled kid’s desire. A Fairy Palace, shut up for years but now momentarily opened, released & filled with Love. Love for myself by Me for My broken pieces of heart which I’ve somehow adhered with the help of my dear friends.
I’m a fragment of the natural world, naturally seeking the proper environment for the splendid moments of my life. I’m pure & natural, desiring understanding & satisfaction, meeting violation of minds & coping with it. Barely, so painful it is…!
I the only character in my write, though, between me & my world around have left a precious little space for each one to grow in. As of now I agree that my Life is little more than a cardboard cut-out.
We all of us grow up with an idea of ourselves, an image rather & spend the rest of our lives trying to live up to it. But for me, it has been a constant struggle against an image of myself imposed upon me by the peripheries. Rising from the corpses, keying down the facts, nickering & bickering the things, they seem to be very rosy.
“Huddled in my cocoon, a somnolent silkworm, will I emerge in a beauteous being? Or will I, suffocating, cease to exist?”

My Autobiography - Chapter 3 (Societal Expressions)

It probably goes back to growing up in an environment that seemed humane, sensitive & secular. But gradually, I started finding myself in the midst of stereotypes, prejudices, biases, thrusted identities & ‘isms’ & I find myself in the chaos of all this. The sadness, the anger, the helplessness kept growing & became a compelling enough desire to share it with people. I needed this catharsis, not wanting to be published but within me, they found a way to be told.
All I can say is that it’s the war of my identity. My Identity of being a homosexual in a homophobic Indian society. People have almost forgotten that to be human is the only identity that matters & is not divisive. But people thrust upon us the identity that we just happen to be born with – gender, religion, clan, cast, creed, community, region, nationality & very fresh, one’s Sexual orientation. Whether the individual is gay, lesbian, trans-sexual or the hijra.
I’m happy bearing the booned burden of ‘gay-ism’ – I accept the accusation of being called one, be it in what so ever local slangs or the so called elite-wise word ‘gay’. I can be happy when there is so much misery around me. In such a scenario, I need to be hopeful & not take the easier way out of being cynical, thereby making an escape from all actions. I still remember the quote by Gandhiji – “Be the change that you want to see in the world.”

My Autobiography - Chapter 4 (My Life,Now & Then)

My upbringing has not been conventional. I grew up seeing my mother engrossed in her daily household chores & my father earning for the bread. Nothing much to describe my mother, although ‘demure’ is what I can all say, but my father, a lot of things to say by. It was & still is frustrating to see my father eccentric towards others.
Let me key this down. Today when I spend my brow-sweat earning on ‘one’ cup of Tea or Coffee which can buy that for an entire household for a week or more, I see chins dropping down. Today if I’m pulling up Levis Strauss, Abercrombie & Fitch, Billabong, Tommy Hilfiger etc etc, I see chins dropping down. Today when I carry a Tote which looks LS but costs me a fortune after I tell people, I see chins dropping down. I would like to reason out why chins drop down?
Okay, let me take it back during my school days (1999s) whence me was in 8th grade. I started offering tuitions for kindergarten, pre-primary & primary grade students. For a month, I could make hardly 500-700 rupees which was easy & more than enough for me. I decided not to extend arms in front of anyone for my expenses except food, clothing & shelter provided to me by parents. I sought education on my own since then. Stationery, school uniform, projects, travel expenses etc were well fit in my pocket-budget.
I remember having 2 shirts & 1 half pant when in school. Luckily I had a PT uniform too. So it was easy to wear a shirt for 2 days & pant for 4 days in a week. I was never a fussy, tantrum throwing boy. I was happy in all tiny little used things I got & sometimes they were new too (wink)!
During those days, there were these clothes sold on street in front of Eros Theatre where now you’ll find a huge parking space there. Shirts, T-shirts, half pants, pajamas, shorts etc were just scattered on the ‘baakda’ of the vendor. They seemed to be used clothes but I never cared because in my budget I could expect them to be nicer enough to feel good in. I used to go there, plunge the clothes which caught my eye, match up my size externally & buy it for a mere cost of 10 – 20 rupees maximum. I used to go to Fashion Street to buy me a pair of jeans which was 200 rupees then & t’was highly expensive for me that time. I feel like laughing keying this down that I used to buy a jeans which was exchanged 10 times because my jeans never crossed my thighs & if it did (forcefully) than it never crossed my bums to reach my waist because I was a proud owner of the huger them. I was round & plummy what you can call a Big O.
During those days there was a craze of Cyber cafes & Mc Donalds spread like wild-fire amongst the people. International food joints were burgeoning like a mushroom field after rains. School mates used to ask me out with them to play computer games at these cyber cafes after school hours but running penniless or misery smitten, I refused. Computers were never my best friends rather I used to build castles of Burgers, Fries, Colas & Softies in my mind. I used to collect money specially to enjoy the treat someday. Believe me, it used to take a month to feed my piggy to yield me pork. When a stipulated amount was accumulated, all alone I used to go to Mc D & enjoy my large tray of Heaven. Burrpp..!!

My Autobiography - Chapter 5 (My Academics,Grade 10th & hence)

Then I fell into SSC one of the niche years of our life. No classes, no extra hand-books & not to forget, no efforts either. I was not studious at all but whatever was taught within the four walls of a classroom was sincerely absorbed by me. I had become a spontaneous answerer in class except for the subject of Algebra & Geometry which I was a beggar in. I managed to reach the passing line in this subject in my boards & I was happy with my 58’s .
Preparations started for higher education. School teachers alarmed me whilst collecting the results that I have to grow up now & become more strong as I’ll be facing the world. I can’t stay timid & in kid-skin then. I tossed their words within & I grew wings to take a leap. I filled forms of different colleges in town for Arts faculty & I was shortlisted for Wilson College. My joy knew no bounds as I had earned the college without any reference, any moral support or any effort of standing in queue for collecting & submitting form. I had no friends in my school life as I was considered as the ugly duckling. But nonetheless I was proud because I was a self made boy & I’d be alone in college too.
College was about to start in august & I realized that I was running famine with good clothes. Jeans weren’t fitting me & Shirts would throw buttons out if I wear them because I had put on some pounds in the vacations.
I withdrew some cash went to the market & purchased 2 cut-pieces (beige & navy blue) respectively to stitch pants & mind you, my pants were largely 4 plaited. I headed towards Fashion Street & bought 2 T-shirts (maroon & navy blue) with an embroidered Reebok on my left tit. Way back, a sling bag caught my view & I purchased that too. A known man was selling off his cell phone that time & nothing like it to be bought. I handed him a 1000 rupees initially & owned the Panasonic GD90 mobile promising him to pay the rest 1000 in installments. I quickly applied for a sim card & got it too within a span of 2 days. I still remember my 1st cell-phone number which was 9869336511. Now, I was all ready to feel on the red carpet the very first day of college.

My Autobiography - Chapter 6 (College Life)

First day of college. I wore my new clothes, put my bag around my torso & its belt making way through my booby chest. My hair oiled like a typical northie porter & my body size like a typical southie hogger. I was feeling good, not less than a good looking lad. I reached college & I was slapped reality on my face once again that I’m an ugly geek who was foolishly dressed in Pants & t-shirts which was a faux pas. Giving air to my confidence I walked in the orientation hall. First day lectures began & I occupied my last bench. My eye balls were enjoying the beautiful colors in the classroom & my ears were hearing melodies of cell phone beeps. Boys & Girls were perfectly dressed.
Because of my geekiness, I was again sidelined in college. I never took this seriously as I lived life on my own terms & for my sweethearties. Life was beautiful. Lectures, tiffin food, sea, sand. Just complete!
Second niche year followed, HSC. I painted my first year bag with fabric colors to make it look brand new. Made some alterations in my clothes, added some new of them. I decided in the start that I’ll have to struggle hard & make way for distinction. I studied from the beginning but luck fooled me. My examination went so well that I was soaring confident that I’ll obtain more than 75’s but then I again had to be happy in 53’s.
Being a creative person, I always had desire of getting into creativity after 12th. Be it the field of Designing or Mass Media/Communication. But, fate & financial debt didn’t permit. This time I decided to seek help from my father for my BMM fees which were sky-rocketing for him in 2005 which was 13,500 p.m + extra expenses. He frowned on the sum & I decided to carry on with B.A avoiding extra tensions under the roof.
I was introduced to the internet now. My tuitions started bringing me more sum. I started coaching students of higher grades. Life was on track but finances couldn’t meet them as I had lots of babies - my pets & plants which were to be taken care of. Their daily food, veterinary charges, fertilizers, gardening expenses etc etc.
My standard of living improved. I was living a life of a swallow bird who just brought good luck for the people it used to fly around on & live its own life in jeopardy of being torn by the scavengers. Food, Sex & Education were my prerogatives. I balanced everything with wisdom & efficiency without letting fragility crash. I started segregating my life span in my mind. I established aims & goals for which I struggled hard but couldn’t reach them. Failure was as if not willing to leave my hand. So I gripped it firmly smiled & said let me try you now. Since then we are kind of used to each other. Drugs, alcohol & cigarettes made their way in my life. A year & more I was swinging in my vices. Off lately I realized that I was doing wrong. I quit them & my 3rd niche year came - 2008 – TYBA. I managed to score 50’s this time getting my Honors in Sociology, again not to forget, without studying a bit.
Happy enough till this time as I always was because by now I learnt that compromise & sacrifice was the second name of my life.

My Autobiography - Chapter 7 (Life after College towards PG & Earnings)

I still nourished my talent for designs. I decided for a designing course but I couldn’t because of heavy fees. I had to do something better without which my existence would cease to exist.
Now I enrolled myself for a diploma course in HR as MBA wasn’t my plate of turkey. The fees for CET classes & then for MBA would bring Cardiac arrest to my father & I wanted him to live healthily eccentring his efforts for others & not for my MBA or bypass surgery. I religiously attended all my classes. 18 months & my final exams were announced. Paper 1; paper 2 & absent for rest 12 papers because of mother’s chronic illness. She was lying on a death bed for time-being & as my responsibility I did my level best to drag the death bed from hallow.
12th December, 2009 & my cell phone rings. I got a call for a Data Entry work in one office just a stone throw away from home. I went for the interview & I was selected for the position of a Recruitment Exec. because of my interpersonal skills. 14th December, 2009 was my 1st day of serious work outside home. April 2010 & I decided to pursue my Masters in sociology. I enrolled myself for the same. Studied religiously again. But misfortune! I got a memo regarding my performance appraisal which was going to increase my salary & my position too. I was allotted a work which didn’t permit me to attend my next papers & I decided to quit again. Sacrifice…!!!
2010 was a disastrous year of my life. I lost my mother, I lost my love & I lost my battle with everything possible. And this rounds up my world so far.

My Autobiography - Chapter 8 (Realisations)

But as I keep growing, I realize how special I am. The Cosmos got me first division to be a Clairvoyant. It encouraged me to question everything, even myself & broadening my view in laying emphasis on Integrity, Equality & Sensitivity & that has almost become a habit for me to do reality checks in every situation & give adamant replies at times.
The challenge for me is to be myself & not feel guilty for what I’ve done, what I do or what I want to do. Let being pretty, smart or sexy be the defining factor of my worth because the compliments, appreciation, admiration & critique helps me explore my inner talents, motivates me & I live a life that is more fulfilling to give the confidence & desire to be who I am! Right now I haven’t managed to achieve anything, I say as I said earlier, it is a life long journey of Growth. It’s all in your fate what you get. “Thou shalt be bestowed with whatever is there treasured in thou fate!”
All this may sound too esoteric to some, but I love to share & listen to thoughts & ideas that make my journey more interesting & meaningful.

“Standing still I searched,
Stretching out my arms,
Sinking deep into the earth,
Like the Banyan roots, seeking the spring of Life.
The wheel of seasons turns,
The monsoon river flows turbid & red,
The lightning flashes its splendor,
The rainbow arcs in celebration,
All things are as they were,
Only I, unmoving, becalmed,
Have changed….”

My Autobiography - Chapter 9 (Keeping my Identity alive)

There’s an extra sense of glee playing around the corners of my dazzling life & this is because I surrendered myself to cheerfulness when loneliness was perhaps, a part of my being.

“I didn’t tread paths barred to me,
Obeyed, never uttered a ‘no’;
Because, submit & your life will be,
A paradise, He said & blessed me.”
“So I surrender to this Maya World,
Like a dancing peacock, displaying its feathers,
Defying the selfish world,
Not retreating into my shell Tortoise like.”

There is utter delight when people tell me, if there were one attribute that sums me up, my demure nature & great sense of humour & I say them, Yes, I have an immense capacity for laughter, for finding fun in just about every situation or turn of events that is hard to find in many people around. The only thing people notice about me is my effervescent persona that shows my tall height, my bavarding mouth & a smile that reaches my ears, seems as if I was sleeping with a hanger in mouth overnight. Lol…
I was & still I am the Ugly Duckling of my family (who very soon will become a beautiful Swan). My Indian roots lay down in the south, but I’ve aired growing in the west. Born, nurtured & stationed in the hub of one of the 7 Mega Cities of the world – Aamchi Mumbai.
Graduating in the field of Sociology, worked on PG diploma in Human Resource, & drop out in Masters for Sociology & Theoretical Anthropology, bringing my skills of Occult for a lay man’s benefits, I feel that I’ve got the Balls! Standing 5’10” & amassing appropriate kilo grams in hexa-decadal, punctuating & peppering every conversation exudes, I-CAN-CONQUER-ALL attitude. But Life will not always be so, neither was it earlier. “Anything worth achieving requires hard work & discipline.” What seems like an overnight transition of great people is actually the culmination of years & years of hard work.
I have one mantra to live by & finger counting philosophies to state. “Be optimistic & never give up” is the former, while, “make more money, be a successful person, make intelligent entries & look sensational even in your 60s” is the latter. Every individual is stamped with expiry dates & so was I. But I’ve been able to break my shelf-life norm & would leave it broken till I exhale my last breath.

My Autobiography - Chapter 10 ( Wat is seen is sold )

As I said earlier, I am an Ugly Duckling, I didn’t get attention, love & ‘you exist’ feeling from the people. I had no friends in school, I was like an odd man out. People did not reciprocate with me, conversations dried up in frowns, I was left bauched of family introductions. I couldn’t build great rapport with people. I was left un-noticed & this was all because of my geeky, shabby haphazard appearance which led to lack of morale & self confidence in me. And I confess this with honest non-chalance & admit that I had to work hard on my body & would go a long way to get those good looks. Well, why not! Banal as it may sound, re-inventing myself into nothing less than a God!
I remember those critiques that helped me working on myself. They said, “you are a sin on bed!”; “look yourself into a mirror & the mirror will break into thousand million pieces, then walk on it & see what you deserve.” But today I’ve got a body that makes men drool (until they see me without any inch of cloth on it) just kidding!. Today I’m a man who loves calling spade a spade. I’ve believed that every individual must get serious about his looks & I also believe that a good personality is more attractive than just a pretty face. But the combination of good looks & good face is nothing like a big kudos!
People suspected me to be anorexic or be on a crash diet when I started shredding weight. Well, let me set the record straight once & for all. Never listen to a word of it! Yoga is what I was fascinated with & sheer determination to practice it every day made me land on a million dollar compliment. Looking beautiful is fabulous! It feels good & there are million good reasons to like enjoy & indulge in it.
My beautiful body has helped me look smart. It has sky-rocketed my confidence. Because of this, I’m able to keep myself abreast of world events & global connections. I’ve become more impressive, educational & the best way imaginable & I believe that it has all come natural into me.
When I made an effort to look good, I soon started treating myself well otherwise too. I learnt that unlike men, children, cats, dogs, chocolates & potted plants, if I’ll love myself & strive hard to get that perfect look my body & health will in turn love me back. I looked good, my confidence soared & I got that special – “aren’t I fabulous glow.”
When I started looking good my pictures got snapped well. Look at any of those on the social networking websites. Some of my friends just looked into some of them & went oooh-n-aaah! I can’t imagine otherwise. Hey I love this one: When I looked beautiful, I became popular in my friends circle, the news of my transition spreaded like wild fire. I got upgraded in which ever family function I went. People started inviting me to the best of good functions. I still remember this scene at my co-sister’s wedding. My hometown people & also some far distance relatives of ours would fall over their senses to get to know me. Everyone would want to talk to me. I was introduced with great pride by my parents & cousins to the guests. Myriad of compliments & cookie-jar full of wedding proposals, kudos & kaput!
My school friends who always treated me as a nerd started sending me requests & invitations on social networking sites.

My Autobiography Chapter 11 ( Message to Readers )

I’ve engraved this on my soul, people will always be nice to beautiful, well-dressed people. I speak from experience, if you are beautiful, people will want you to be their muse. I want to re-define the way people see me. I don’t want the baggage that comes with the image of a Door-mat-like-guy-next-door.

“They called me Mad,
They who cocooned themselves
In bristly blankets
And thought themselves warm
When I spoke of my soul that boiled & seethed.
They called me Mad,
They who were entranced
By a single white ray of light
When I spoke of the Magic
Of the Seven Colors in a Prism.”

The wicked little people who don’t know any better will always point out some silly bits about how shallow & meaningless you are.
Personally speaking, today, I don’t have that humungous amount to purchase what I desire, but, I’m sure that I can buy all I want that I craved once for. Be it labeled clothes, accessories, gadgets, dogs.
To the family, who are satiated, content, how could I speak of my wants?
I’d personally say that though you are not blessed with those genetically good looks, don’t lose hopes, but do make it a point to improvise yourself, your personality adopting a healthy, well planned life style & Yoga.
Today when I look good, people willingly surround me, they miss my presence at times. They even criticize & ridicule & bad-mouth me on my back but needless to quote because “I’m ahead of them.” Every day from then, I wake up & look into the mirror, My aim is to look good & feel good about myself. I want to be sure of my image & be in charge of public persona.
“Being beautiful is the most fun I am having alone & it’s good with company too!”
ON AN AWEFUL DAY, LIFE HAS STOLE MY SMILE,
& I WONDERED ALOOF IN A WORRY-MAZE FOR MILES,
FALURE HAS OBSTRUCTED MY PATH LEAVING ME IMMOBILE,
IT WAS TRAGIC JUST AS IN EXILE!
LIFE IS UNFAIR, BUMPY & GLOOMY, GOOD DEEDS MIGHT REWARD WITH INSTANCES BALMY,
FOR WHAT YOU SOW, SO WILL YOU REAP FELLA,
PROVES THE “GLASS SLIPPER” THAT FITS NONE, BUT CINDERELLA…!

Straight from my heart, since conception till date.
With love & empathy,
A.

My Autobiography (Acknowledgement)

Thanks to all these people in my life –
Aai, Baba for bringing me in this world without which I won’t have learnt my purpose of life.
Akshata (my sister) for accompanying me in school days when I was left without friends.
My folks/ relatives to making me feel like a tester-cake within the family without which I would have not proven my self to be not a tester-cake but a hot-cake with raised tiers.
The best women in my life - Aditi, Minal & Mallika for befriending this ugly geeky duckling during college days & motivating me to the core to be what I am today.
The best men in my life - Siddharth, Uday & Sharath, who held my hand firmly when the rest left me to wither.
The best office friends in my life - Sneha, Shrunkhala, Melroy & Sana to give me space & accept me the way I am despite of knowing about me in scratched-skin.
Hearty thanks to all of you for being there in my thick & thin & filling up the ugly crevices of my life making it gorgeously wonderful
Love you all.
Muah…!