Remains Of Love...

Those silent nights, those screaming days,

piercing my soul in 1000 big ways.

How many times I wrote to you?

I wrote down my emotions & they seem to be few.

Everytime I live, I just want you,

but you melt yourself & drip like a dew.

10 months till date, I’m away from you,

I can’t think of anyone better & new.

Give me a reason why you left me?

Give me as many you have, one, two & three.

Do you have someone better than me?

What is the reason that you left me so free?

Was it my action that hurt you so bad?

You dropped me like a burnt corn & let me go mad.

Ask the mornings, don’t I miss you?

 Literally speaking, I feel déjà vu.

Ask the nights, it has seen me crying,

Slowly in my blanket, my emotions dying.

I write you a text, assuming it’ll breathe life in my emotions,

Not letting them die, which is a false notion.

But still with hopes of you returning back,

I stuff my dead emotions in my torn life-sack.

They fall apart & get scattered on the ground

 I throw my heart out to gather them around.

I know you’re stubborn like a grease-on-silk stain,

Time is not lost & nothing’s gone in vain.

Standing still, I’m awaiting your return,

Foliage turned ash of a dead French fern.

Come back my love, look my heart is so weak,

Don’t cut it across & roast it like a steak.

My love was no deal with terms & condition,

You put down the seal & you get the recognition.

I let my dignity weigh down for you,

letting my ego get skewed on barbeque.

With no dead hopes, I allow myself to say,

may you get the desired, profoundly I pray.

Now being self aware & minimizing the drama,

Slyly rubbing salt on my wounds & living back the trauma.

I can’t pretend to be sick with a headache or stomachache,

Now I can’t pretend because my pretentions will look fake.

I’ve spent my life alone, walking on dark roads to random places,

And later you won’t find me because I’ll be lost in those dark traces.

**I just want to say, that I love you with my true heart but by the time you realize my true love, i'd have been turned into ashes...!

with Love, from Love, for Love,

-a.p. (17/10/11)

In The Spirit World.

I was walking on a path between Heaven & Hell; My head bowed low & I heard a bell.

I slowly raised my head & tried looking through; far till the horizon, I could see nothing but sky blue.

I kept walking straight, neither left nor right; Hell was black & Heaven was white.

Gates were closed, no souls could I see; no Angel in disguise, no Devil on tree.

All of a sudden, I heard a strange voice; which asked me to halt & make a wise choice.

Confused & bewildered, I screamed, “Anybody there?” ; something in white robe, walked towards me in flare.

My senses were awakened & I was bathed in water Holy; I was taken to ‘Hall of Rest’ & I was put to rest slowly.

Few minutes later, when I woke up to a pleasant smell; I was shown Eden Garden & the bad Satan’s Hell.

All of a sudden, words reach my ears, “you’ve committed sins & you should be punished with fears.”

“Choose out of this – ‘Rebirth’ or ‘Hell’?”; 50 years of Mankind or 5000 Hell-years, you tell!”

A hand came from somewhere & held my wrist light; made me peep in Hell & my soul was cold & fright.

Ugly, dirty, deformed. Hell was full of these; The Hand caressed my soul & warmed down my freeze.

A High-Spirit whispered, “If you choose rebirth, you’ll be choosing a Holy chance; to do good on earth, in reality & not in trance!”

“Yes, you’ll be punished, but not like that in hell; now make a prude decision, it’s time for you to tell.”

I chose to take rebirth & the Spirits were all smiling; They started updating my records & punch in my filing.

“Go you sinner go, go wash off your sins; suffer & we’ll come to take you, so clean your deeds & rinse.”

“Note this down strictly, do good to all being; spread love, knowledge & peace & we Spirits will be seeing.”

“Compromises & Sacrifices is the root punishment in your fate; live it to the fullest & we’ll mark you up-to-date.”

“You’ll be born as ‘Anil’, meaning full & in abundance; surprises will be bestowed, beyond your imagination, in redundance.”

Way back from behind, a Spirit in 7^th Realm rose; walked towards me & Blessed me on my nose.

“Go my child, go, you’ll do good to all men, you’ll be born as gay & you’ll be surrounded by women.”

Laughed in bounty, all Spirits & me; time had come, to sign the ‘Treaty of Destiny’.

What more should I write, I remember only this; until my Mother gave me Birth & I sought bliss.

Love All & Spread Smiles!

-a.p.

Lovely Fights with Him : Sweet Memories!

{Remembering those tiny cute little fights we had}



Our fight on, He purposely not answering my call & then calling me back.


Our fight on, when He calls me & I keep asking him the same thing on track.


Our fight on, making Him wait long for me on the station or by the sea.


Our fight to zero down on Barista or CCD.


Our fight on my au lait Mocha & His Hot Chocolate Brownie.


Our fight on He being a dull suburban & me a glittering townie.


Our fight on that soft square cushion on the couch.


Our fight on me acting chic when the cane pricks my bum & I muttering Ouch..!


Our fight on small sips & big bites, in our large cups & plates.


Our fight on who’ll pay the bill. The bill of “our beautiful date.”


Our fight on who’ll hold my bag though He had his sacked on his shoulders.


Our fight to keep each other safe from Mumbai Traffic & RTO Bolders.


Our fight to hold each other’s finger & then slowly arms.


Our fight to have a light snack or pricey dinner in charms.


Our fight on louse budgeting & laze cost cutting.


Our fight on he bavarding & me completely mouth shutting.


Our fight on me agreeing Him to bear all my expenses.


Our fight to build around each other protective love fences.


Our fight on knitting those golden dreams of “Ours.”


Our fight on cuddles, we would be giving each other in showers.


Our fight on who’ll embrace whom in each other’s arms.


Our fight on me telling him, “be a cool man”, you look like a scarecrow in farms.


Our fight on me not seeking time for His shopping.


Our fight on me squeezing time for other things to go hopping.


Our fights on He asking me, “what will I do, if He dies?”


That time, me saying nothing but tears in my deep eyes.


I never thought so, that our fights will be ending.


Building deep cavities in our relationship, not worth mending.






With Love for Him,


-a.p. (14thOct,11)

A Message to Mankind.

I came across this verse from one of The Holy Books &  I have altered the names (dismissing some of them) to avoid hurting religious sentiments of the readers.

“Narrated...

I heard from Almighty's Apostle a narration

which none other than I will narrate to you. The Messenger, said, "From among the portents of the Hour are the following:

General ignorance (in religious affairs) will prevail,
(religious) knowledge will decrease, illegal sexual intercourse will
prevail, alcoholic drinks will be drunk (in abundance), men will decrease
and women will increase so much so that for every fifty women there will be
one man to look after them."

So I believe,

God is bringing change, He is giving a little air & space for each one’s subconscious mind to act & guide his fellows & followers. Spirituality, Meditation & other methods of connecting with the Supreme are burgeoning. Being an Occult Science practitioner, I feel I’m getting more entwined with the Supreme & his fellow-men who we call Angels. Younger generation is getting more involved in peace-making & enlightening a common man’s mind towards Godliness.

Existence of sex is deteriorating to an extent due to hectic schedules of an individual. Man is turning asexual because of his steepness in lethargy, fatigue Hectic Lifestyle of both or either of the partners. Work & making more money has taken a high toll over procreation & recreation. Adoption, In-vitro Babies & Surrogacy’s (Giving birth without copulation) has increased.

Green Tea, Cranberry Juice, Tender Coconut Water, Low Fat Milk etc has somewhat (to a very lesser extent) replaced liquor & alcoholic drinks. Majority of the crowd is turning Vegetarian &Vegan.

To avoid an insult for relationships & Humiliation in face, God has evoked a feeling of Homosexuality (liking towards the same sex). This minority sub-creed has formed a crème de la crème of a social clan (including mammals, birds & plants).

Today some men seek men & few wowen, women. When there will be one man to look after fifty women, there won’t be illegitimate intimacy or incest as He / She will be having a parallel relationship with his / her same sex origination. Gay & Gayelles will be healthy couple & parents. Relationships will breathe as they do since ages. Most of the living organisms will live with the same sex like theirs.

Hence I request all my readers to broaden their view, look & think beyond the limits. Accept the new way of living. Make this planet a beautiful place for each living being to live. We all know about Doom’s Day which is to come. The Harbingers of Doom have already started showing the indications. Rest all lies within you. Do ‘good’ & HE is there to bestow the ‘best’ on you.

With Hearty Prayers & Requesting Forgiveness for all our Sins To Holy Father!

May God be with all of you.

-a.p.

Hopeful in LOVE

I want to express a lot, but I don’t know what,

I want to feel a lot, but I don’t know what.

You saw the wrong side of love, come let me show you the right,

You saw the black betrayal in dark, now let me show you the bright.

You think love is fake, deceptive & uneasy?

Let me prove you wrong, come fall in love with me

& Love is in the air, look it is so easy.

You think I’m a fool, dumb & stupid?

Don’t forget this that I love to love & within hides a cupid.

What is monogamy, the one that people scream aloud?

Not for me, because I practice it, making myself very proud.

I loved more men & believe me I proposed,

But what a dismay, my proposals were disposed.

Not 1,2,3 but I fell for 10 men,

My love was like a cub which grew safe in a den.

Single in the City, flying amongst the flock of pair,

Living like a birdie, who enjoys spreading wings in the air.

Very much single, singing songs of glory!

All nights I console my heart saying, “may be God’s writing for You a beautiful Love Story…”

-a.p <3

(14th April, 2011)

Monologue With LOVE.

Oh Love you are so high, I battled to reach you,

Now how much should I struggle & how much should I preach you.

You always challenged me, my feelings weren’t cheap,

You pushed me very hard, though I didn’t want to leap.

Alright I fell; I fell in the love-soil,

Falling for you, I never knew you’ll make me toil.

I was true to my lovers, but why weren’t they?

Answer me oh love, were you then blue & grey?

Your colour is scarlet, & symbol is heart.

They thought falling in love is a game, a simple game of dart,

No wonder you have an arrow, brutally piercing you through,

The scarlet falls in drops & you turn poisonous blue.

Love Love Love, I want to say you one thing,

You shimmer like sparkle, but you have a fake bling.

Now prove yourself that, you are a feeling so pure,

A feeling so holy, a feeling so demure.

You remember that Romeo, you remember that Juliet,

Fools weren’t they, neither stupid nor idiot.

They sacrificed their love, they sacrificed their life,

He couldn’t be her husband, she couldn’t be his wife.

Despite of constant heart-breaks, I stand rooted & strong,

Let me try you now, let me see for how long.

If you think all these years, you are trying to make me learn lessons of sorrow,

Than I say enough! Because I’ve no time to borrow.

Today I live, tomorrow I get death,

Than you’ll owe yourself to me, but that would be your end & you’ll be the one who’ll regret.

But look, it’s not too late, send me someone on kneels,

Who’ll ask me my hand & make me walk on my heels.

-A.P <3

(14th April, 2011)

The Finch...

Like a finch I fly, with pride & zeal, Keeping this in mind, that I’ll be trapped for a deal. Each day I fly, without a hunch on my wing, My little beak opens, for melodies to sing. My tweet & my chirp, soothe unpleasantries of life, Because that is the only motto, of a tiny finche’s life. I hover in open fields, all alone I go, I was born in a nest, where I couldn’t steal the show. Mother Finch Father Finch, I owe you no hatred, Because the shell of my egg was kept very sacred. HE knew I was HIS, HE didn’t take any chance, With all beautiful colours, HE chicked me in trance. Wet after hatch, I was ugly & shitty, Fondled & cared by joy, sorrow & pity. Today I fear, no barb no thorn, My Life isn’t easy from, eve to morn. Neither is it joyous, because I wear a fake smile. I’ve to make laugh others, else, HE’ll trail me in exile. Mother Finch lives no more, but she left me few seeds, The seeds were of folklores, which taught me good deeds. Far at the horizon, the sun is about to set, C’mon let me live my life, before I’m trapped dead in a net. -Anil A.P. (26/3/11)

The Wild Berry...

My Heart crying & tired, Searching happiness & gleams. Thunderstorms of deception, Blazing my tiny little dreams. I beg those pure showers, To pour me their blessings & grow leaves of joy, On my withered branch like dressings. I plead for no flowers, Which will yield no fruits. I plead for no fruits, Which will yield no sweet taste. I plead for no birds, Which will sing no sweet melody. I plead for no wood-cutter, Who will axe me in tragedy. My tears are flooding wet, My stream of life dry. My life is without wings, But still I want to fly. My sorrows seem to rise, So high on my chest’s cleavage. I feel like cutting my wings of joy, & flush them down the sewage. Ye traveller in twilight, come & save me from draught. I’ll never forget your favours, which mean for me a lot. My blessing will grow, & gain you sweet cherry. Untouched & cursed, I’m called a Wild Berry. -Anil A.P. (26/3/11)

Love, Indeed!

You caressed my cheeks, with a soft warm ray, To fill in your absence, you got me seven seasons to play. You asked first showers, to wash off my past, You created thousand fragrances for me, which will always & forever last. You got the 26 alphabets, to prove Love is just not a four lettered word, You brought the delicate blossoms, just to lie down over sword. You got the moon & stars, to create the ambience of togetherness in wreath, You got the silent whispers of Love, to promise me companionship even after death. -Anil A.P. (26/3/11)

My Autobiography "“Sweet... Nothing’s in My Life...!” - Ch. 1 ( Introduction )

I have innumerable excuses for adding to this number.
It is my story – An exceptionally gifted guy, a decayed stock who is sidelined by many people including my folks & folklores. I was made rich, I was made feel sensuous, I was aristocratised, I was seduced, I was loved with their whole-being, I was abandoned when they heard violation, I was criticized I was betrayed. I was left without Love, I was left without hatred.
There were Sweet . . . Nothing’s in my Life. Perhaps this is all I should allow myself to say. I’m undoubtedly the source from which the energy of my write would spring.
I’m an exceptional man, a male by social status, but a gay of the spirit. Hence, I, without the nurture, inherit the nobility of Nature. Thus I’m a simple boy of nature but the beloved child of Almighty & the amalgamation creates the rare, passionate, proud, sensitive, transparent, open, strong, beautiful, cute boy who supports this write up. There are many tensions in my character which has led me to the gallows. The most obvious are those between humility & pride & between innocence & sensuality. But I make it clear that there won’t be any conflict between my thoughts & who so ever interprets while reading this.

My Autobiography - Chapter 2 (My Existence)

I’m a life at pause, a field mushroom, a fruit-laden tree, an axed-wood, a vital growth, an arid emotional starvation, a wounded chase, a consequences sufferer.
I halt & I turn back. I see my Life as an unfulfilled kid’s desire. A Fairy Palace, shut up for years but now momentarily opened, released & filled with Love. Love for myself by Me for My broken pieces of heart which I’ve somehow adhered with the help of my dear friends.
I’m a fragment of the natural world, naturally seeking the proper environment for the splendid moments of my life. I’m pure & natural, desiring understanding & satisfaction, meeting violation of minds & coping with it. Barely, so painful it is…!
I the only character in my write, though, between me & my world around have left a precious little space for each one to grow in. As of now I agree that my Life is little more than a cardboard cut-out.
We all of us grow up with an idea of ourselves, an image rather & spend the rest of our lives trying to live up to it. But for me, it has been a constant struggle against an image of myself imposed upon me by the peripheries. Rising from the corpses, keying down the facts, nickering & bickering the things, they seem to be very rosy.
“Huddled in my cocoon, a somnolent silkworm, will I emerge in a beauteous being? Or will I, suffocating, cease to exist?”

My Autobiography - Chapter 3 (Societal Expressions)

It probably goes back to growing up in an environment that seemed humane, sensitive & secular. But gradually, I started finding myself in the midst of stereotypes, prejudices, biases, thrusted identities & ‘isms’ & I find myself in the chaos of all this. The sadness, the anger, the helplessness kept growing & became a compelling enough desire to share it with people. I needed this catharsis, not wanting to be published but within me, they found a way to be told.
All I can say is that it’s the war of my identity. My Identity of being a homosexual in a homophobic Indian society. People have almost forgotten that to be human is the only identity that matters & is not divisive. But people thrust upon us the identity that we just happen to be born with – gender, religion, clan, cast, creed, community, region, nationality & very fresh, one’s Sexual orientation. Whether the individual is gay, lesbian, trans-sexual or the hijra.
I’m happy bearing the booned burden of ‘gay-ism’ – I accept the accusation of being called one, be it in what so ever local slangs or the so called elite-wise word ‘gay’. I can be happy when there is so much misery around me. In such a scenario, I need to be hopeful & not take the easier way out of being cynical, thereby making an escape from all actions. I still remember the quote by Gandhiji – “Be the change that you want to see in the world.”

My Autobiography - Chapter 4 (My Life,Now & Then)

My upbringing has not been conventional. I grew up seeing my mother engrossed in her daily household chores & my father earning for the bread. Nothing much to describe my mother, although ‘demure’ is what I can all say, but my father, a lot of things to say by. It was & still is frustrating to see my father eccentric towards others.
Let me key this down. Today when I spend my brow-sweat earning on ‘one’ cup of Tea or Coffee which can buy that for an entire household for a week or more, I see chins dropping down. Today if I’m pulling up Levis Strauss, Abercrombie & Fitch, Billabong, Tommy Hilfiger etc etc, I see chins dropping down. Today when I carry a Tote which looks LS but costs me a fortune after I tell people, I see chins dropping down. I would like to reason out why chins drop down?
Okay, let me take it back during my school days (1999s) whence me was in 8th grade. I started offering tuitions for kindergarten, pre-primary & primary grade students. For a month, I could make hardly 500-700 rupees which was easy & more than enough for me. I decided not to extend arms in front of anyone for my expenses except food, clothing & shelter provided to me by parents. I sought education on my own since then. Stationery, school uniform, projects, travel expenses etc were well fit in my pocket-budget.
I remember having 2 shirts & 1 half pant when in school. Luckily I had a PT uniform too. So it was easy to wear a shirt for 2 days & pant for 4 days in a week. I was never a fussy, tantrum throwing boy. I was happy in all tiny little used things I got & sometimes they were new too (wink)!
During those days, there were these clothes sold on street in front of Eros Theatre where now you’ll find a huge parking space there. Shirts, T-shirts, half pants, pajamas, shorts etc were just scattered on the ‘baakda’ of the vendor. They seemed to be used clothes but I never cared because in my budget I could expect them to be nicer enough to feel good in. I used to go there, plunge the clothes which caught my eye, match up my size externally & buy it for a mere cost of 10 – 20 rupees maximum. I used to go to Fashion Street to buy me a pair of jeans which was 200 rupees then & t’was highly expensive for me that time. I feel like laughing keying this down that I used to buy a jeans which was exchanged 10 times because my jeans never crossed my thighs & if it did (forcefully) than it never crossed my bums to reach my waist because I was a proud owner of the huger them. I was round & plummy what you can call a Big O.
During those days there was a craze of Cyber cafes & Mc Donalds spread like wild-fire amongst the people. International food joints were burgeoning like a mushroom field after rains. School mates used to ask me out with them to play computer games at these cyber cafes after school hours but running penniless or misery smitten, I refused. Computers were never my best friends rather I used to build castles of Burgers, Fries, Colas & Softies in my mind. I used to collect money specially to enjoy the treat someday. Believe me, it used to take a month to feed my piggy to yield me pork. When a stipulated amount was accumulated, all alone I used to go to Mc D & enjoy my large tray of Heaven. Burrpp..!!

My Autobiography - Chapter 5 (My Academics,Grade 10th & hence)

Then I fell into SSC one of the niche years of our life. No classes, no extra hand-books & not to forget, no efforts either. I was not studious at all but whatever was taught within the four walls of a classroom was sincerely absorbed by me. I had become a spontaneous answerer in class except for the subject of Algebra & Geometry which I was a beggar in. I managed to reach the passing line in this subject in my boards & I was happy with my 58’s .
Preparations started for higher education. School teachers alarmed me whilst collecting the results that I have to grow up now & become more strong as I’ll be facing the world. I can’t stay timid & in kid-skin then. I tossed their words within & I grew wings to take a leap. I filled forms of different colleges in town for Arts faculty & I was shortlisted for Wilson College. My joy knew no bounds as I had earned the college without any reference, any moral support or any effort of standing in queue for collecting & submitting form. I had no friends in my school life as I was considered as the ugly duckling. But nonetheless I was proud because I was a self made boy & I’d be alone in college too.
College was about to start in august & I realized that I was running famine with good clothes. Jeans weren’t fitting me & Shirts would throw buttons out if I wear them because I had put on some pounds in the vacations.
I withdrew some cash went to the market & purchased 2 cut-pieces (beige & navy blue) respectively to stitch pants & mind you, my pants were largely 4 plaited. I headed towards Fashion Street & bought 2 T-shirts (maroon & navy blue) with an embroidered Reebok on my left tit. Way back, a sling bag caught my view & I purchased that too. A known man was selling off his cell phone that time & nothing like it to be bought. I handed him a 1000 rupees initially & owned the Panasonic GD90 mobile promising him to pay the rest 1000 in installments. I quickly applied for a sim card & got it too within a span of 2 days. I still remember my 1st cell-phone number which was 9869336511. Now, I was all ready to feel on the red carpet the very first day of college.

My Autobiography - Chapter 6 (College Life)

First day of college. I wore my new clothes, put my bag around my torso & its belt making way through my booby chest. My hair oiled like a typical northie porter & my body size like a typical southie hogger. I was feeling good, not less than a good looking lad. I reached college & I was slapped reality on my face once again that I’m an ugly geek who was foolishly dressed in Pants & t-shirts which was a faux pas. Giving air to my confidence I walked in the orientation hall. First day lectures began & I occupied my last bench. My eye balls were enjoying the beautiful colors in the classroom & my ears were hearing melodies of cell phone beeps. Boys & Girls were perfectly dressed.
Because of my geekiness, I was again sidelined in college. I never took this seriously as I lived life on my own terms & for my sweethearties. Life was beautiful. Lectures, tiffin food, sea, sand. Just complete!
Second niche year followed, HSC. I painted my first year bag with fabric colors to make it look brand new. Made some alterations in my clothes, added some new of them. I decided in the start that I’ll have to struggle hard & make way for distinction. I studied from the beginning but luck fooled me. My examination went so well that I was soaring confident that I’ll obtain more than 75’s but then I again had to be happy in 53’s.
Being a creative person, I always had desire of getting into creativity after 12th. Be it the field of Designing or Mass Media/Communication. But, fate & financial debt didn’t permit. This time I decided to seek help from my father for my BMM fees which were sky-rocketing for him in 2005 which was 13,500 p.m + extra expenses. He frowned on the sum & I decided to carry on with B.A avoiding extra tensions under the roof.
I was introduced to the internet now. My tuitions started bringing me more sum. I started coaching students of higher grades. Life was on track but finances couldn’t meet them as I had lots of babies - my pets & plants which were to be taken care of. Their daily food, veterinary charges, fertilizers, gardening expenses etc etc.
My standard of living improved. I was living a life of a swallow bird who just brought good luck for the people it used to fly around on & live its own life in jeopardy of being torn by the scavengers. Food, Sex & Education were my prerogatives. I balanced everything with wisdom & efficiency without letting fragility crash. I started segregating my life span in my mind. I established aims & goals for which I struggled hard but couldn’t reach them. Failure was as if not willing to leave my hand. So I gripped it firmly smiled & said let me try you now. Since then we are kind of used to each other. Drugs, alcohol & cigarettes made their way in my life. A year & more I was swinging in my vices. Off lately I realized that I was doing wrong. I quit them & my 3rd niche year came - 2008 – TYBA. I managed to score 50’s this time getting my Honors in Sociology, again not to forget, without studying a bit.
Happy enough till this time as I always was because by now I learnt that compromise & sacrifice was the second name of my life.

My Autobiography - Chapter 7 (Life after College towards PG & Earnings)

I still nourished my talent for designs. I decided for a designing course but I couldn’t because of heavy fees. I had to do something better without which my existence would cease to exist.
Now I enrolled myself for a diploma course in HR as MBA wasn’t my plate of turkey. The fees for CET classes & then for MBA would bring Cardiac arrest to my father & I wanted him to live healthily eccentring his efforts for others & not for my MBA or bypass surgery. I religiously attended all my classes. 18 months & my final exams were announced. Paper 1; paper 2 & absent for rest 12 papers because of mother’s chronic illness. She was lying on a death bed for time-being & as my responsibility I did my level best to drag the death bed from hallow.
12th December, 2009 & my cell phone rings. I got a call for a Data Entry work in one office just a stone throw away from home. I went for the interview & I was selected for the position of a Recruitment Exec. because of my interpersonal skills. 14th December, 2009 was my 1st day of serious work outside home. April 2010 & I decided to pursue my Masters in sociology. I enrolled myself for the same. Studied religiously again. But misfortune! I got a memo regarding my performance appraisal which was going to increase my salary & my position too. I was allotted a work which didn’t permit me to attend my next papers & I decided to quit again. Sacrifice…!!!
2010 was a disastrous year of my life. I lost my mother, I lost my love & I lost my battle with everything possible. And this rounds up my world so far.

My Autobiography - Chapter 8 (Realisations)

But as I keep growing, I realize how special I am. The Cosmos got me first division to be a Clairvoyant. It encouraged me to question everything, even myself & broadening my view in laying emphasis on Integrity, Equality & Sensitivity & that has almost become a habit for me to do reality checks in every situation & give adamant replies at times.
The challenge for me is to be myself & not feel guilty for what I’ve done, what I do or what I want to do. Let being pretty, smart or sexy be the defining factor of my worth because the compliments, appreciation, admiration & critique helps me explore my inner talents, motivates me & I live a life that is more fulfilling to give the confidence & desire to be who I am! Right now I haven’t managed to achieve anything, I say as I said earlier, it is a life long journey of Growth. It’s all in your fate what you get. “Thou shalt be bestowed with whatever is there treasured in thou fate!”
All this may sound too esoteric to some, but I love to share & listen to thoughts & ideas that make my journey more interesting & meaningful.

“Standing still I searched,
Stretching out my arms,
Sinking deep into the earth,
Like the Banyan roots, seeking the spring of Life.
The wheel of seasons turns,
The monsoon river flows turbid & red,
The lightning flashes its splendor,
The rainbow arcs in celebration,
All things are as they were,
Only I, unmoving, becalmed,
Have changed….”

My Autobiography - Chapter 9 (Keeping my Identity alive)

There’s an extra sense of glee playing around the corners of my dazzling life & this is because I surrendered myself to cheerfulness when loneliness was perhaps, a part of my being.

“I didn’t tread paths barred to me,
Obeyed, never uttered a ‘no’;
Because, submit & your life will be,
A paradise, He said & blessed me.”
“So I surrender to this Maya World,
Like a dancing peacock, displaying its feathers,
Defying the selfish world,
Not retreating into my shell Tortoise like.”

There is utter delight when people tell me, if there were one attribute that sums me up, my demure nature & great sense of humour & I say them, Yes, I have an immense capacity for laughter, for finding fun in just about every situation or turn of events that is hard to find in many people around. The only thing people notice about me is my effervescent persona that shows my tall height, my bavarding mouth & a smile that reaches my ears, seems as if I was sleeping with a hanger in mouth overnight. Lol…
I was & still I am the Ugly Duckling of my family (who very soon will become a beautiful Swan). My Indian roots lay down in the south, but I’ve aired growing in the west. Born, nurtured & stationed in the hub of one of the 7 Mega Cities of the world – Aamchi Mumbai.
Graduating in the field of Sociology, worked on PG diploma in Human Resource, & drop out in Masters for Sociology & Theoretical Anthropology, bringing my skills of Occult for a lay man’s benefits, I feel that I’ve got the Balls! Standing 5’10” & amassing appropriate kilo grams in hexa-decadal, punctuating & peppering every conversation exudes, I-CAN-CONQUER-ALL attitude. But Life will not always be so, neither was it earlier. “Anything worth achieving requires hard work & discipline.” What seems like an overnight transition of great people is actually the culmination of years & years of hard work.
I have one mantra to live by & finger counting philosophies to state. “Be optimistic & never give up” is the former, while, “make more money, be a successful person, make intelligent entries & look sensational even in your 60s” is the latter. Every individual is stamped with expiry dates & so was I. But I’ve been able to break my shelf-life norm & would leave it broken till I exhale my last breath.

My Autobiography - Chapter 10 ( Wat is seen is sold )

As I said earlier, I am an Ugly Duckling, I didn’t get attention, love & ‘you exist’ feeling from the people. I had no friends in school, I was like an odd man out. People did not reciprocate with me, conversations dried up in frowns, I was left bauched of family introductions. I couldn’t build great rapport with people. I was left un-noticed & this was all because of my geeky, shabby haphazard appearance which led to lack of morale & self confidence in me. And I confess this with honest non-chalance & admit that I had to work hard on my body & would go a long way to get those good looks. Well, why not! Banal as it may sound, re-inventing myself into nothing less than a God!
I remember those critiques that helped me working on myself. They said, “you are a sin on bed!”; “look yourself into a mirror & the mirror will break into thousand million pieces, then walk on it & see what you deserve.” But today I’ve got a body that makes men drool (until they see me without any inch of cloth on it) just kidding!. Today I’m a man who loves calling spade a spade. I’ve believed that every individual must get serious about his looks & I also believe that a good personality is more attractive than just a pretty face. But the combination of good looks & good face is nothing like a big kudos!
People suspected me to be anorexic or be on a crash diet when I started shredding weight. Well, let me set the record straight once & for all. Never listen to a word of it! Yoga is what I was fascinated with & sheer determination to practice it every day made me land on a million dollar compliment. Looking beautiful is fabulous! It feels good & there are million good reasons to like enjoy & indulge in it.
My beautiful body has helped me look smart. It has sky-rocketed my confidence. Because of this, I’m able to keep myself abreast of world events & global connections. I’ve become more impressive, educational & the best way imaginable & I believe that it has all come natural into me.
When I made an effort to look good, I soon started treating myself well otherwise too. I learnt that unlike men, children, cats, dogs, chocolates & potted plants, if I’ll love myself & strive hard to get that perfect look my body & health will in turn love me back. I looked good, my confidence soared & I got that special – “aren’t I fabulous glow.”
When I started looking good my pictures got snapped well. Look at any of those on the social networking websites. Some of my friends just looked into some of them & went oooh-n-aaah! I can’t imagine otherwise. Hey I love this one: When I looked beautiful, I became popular in my friends circle, the news of my transition spreaded like wild fire. I got upgraded in which ever family function I went. People started inviting me to the best of good functions. I still remember this scene at my co-sister’s wedding. My hometown people & also some far distance relatives of ours would fall over their senses to get to know me. Everyone would want to talk to me. I was introduced with great pride by my parents & cousins to the guests. Myriad of compliments & cookie-jar full of wedding proposals, kudos & kaput!
My school friends who always treated me as a nerd started sending me requests & invitations on social networking sites.

My Autobiography Chapter 11 ( Message to Readers )

I’ve engraved this on my soul, people will always be nice to beautiful, well-dressed people. I speak from experience, if you are beautiful, people will want you to be their muse. I want to re-define the way people see me. I don’t want the baggage that comes with the image of a Door-mat-like-guy-next-door.

“They called me Mad,
They who cocooned themselves
In bristly blankets
And thought themselves warm
When I spoke of my soul that boiled & seethed.
They called me Mad,
They who were entranced
By a single white ray of light
When I spoke of the Magic
Of the Seven Colors in a Prism.”

The wicked little people who don’t know any better will always point out some silly bits about how shallow & meaningless you are.
Personally speaking, today, I don’t have that humungous amount to purchase what I desire, but, I’m sure that I can buy all I want that I craved once for. Be it labeled clothes, accessories, gadgets, dogs.
To the family, who are satiated, content, how could I speak of my wants?
I’d personally say that though you are not blessed with those genetically good looks, don’t lose hopes, but do make it a point to improvise yourself, your personality adopting a healthy, well planned life style & Yoga.
Today when I look good, people willingly surround me, they miss my presence at times. They even criticize & ridicule & bad-mouth me on my back but needless to quote because “I’m ahead of them.” Every day from then, I wake up & look into the mirror, My aim is to look good & feel good about myself. I want to be sure of my image & be in charge of public persona.
“Being beautiful is the most fun I am having alone & it’s good with company too!”
ON AN AWEFUL DAY, LIFE HAS STOLE MY SMILE,
& I WONDERED ALOOF IN A WORRY-MAZE FOR MILES,
FALURE HAS OBSTRUCTED MY PATH LEAVING ME IMMOBILE,
IT WAS TRAGIC JUST AS IN EXILE!
LIFE IS UNFAIR, BUMPY & GLOOMY, GOOD DEEDS MIGHT REWARD WITH INSTANCES BALMY,
FOR WHAT YOU SOW, SO WILL YOU REAP FELLA,
PROVES THE “GLASS SLIPPER” THAT FITS NONE, BUT CINDERELLA…!

Straight from my heart, since conception till date.
With love & empathy,
A.

My Autobiography (Acknowledgement)

Thanks to all these people in my life –
Aai, Baba for bringing me in this world without which I won’t have learnt my purpose of life.
Akshata (my sister) for accompanying me in school days when I was left without friends.
My folks/ relatives to making me feel like a tester-cake within the family without which I would have not proven my self to be not a tester-cake but a hot-cake with raised tiers.
The best women in my life - Aditi, Minal & Mallika for befriending this ugly geeky duckling during college days & motivating me to the core to be what I am today.
The best men in my life - Siddharth, Uday & Sharath, who held my hand firmly when the rest left me to wither.
The best office friends in my life - Sneha, Shrunkhala, Melroy & Sana to give me space & accept me the way I am despite of knowing about me in scratched-skin.
Hearty thanks to all of you for being there in my thick & thin & filling up the ugly crevices of my life making it gorgeously wonderful
Love you all.
Muah…!

THE.............DATING..........GAME.

My inept or expert try to find the Perfect Man for me, in other words someone at least as weird as I is just like Climbing Everest with danger & despair. I laugh at myself to set me up on blind dates & I-almost!-forgive myself for that : )

A Date is when 2 people, who hardly know each other, go out for Coffee & push their cups around nervously, while trying to ask as many questions as possible in the shortest possible time. As in:
Do you smoke? Drink? Sports?
Do you like dogs? cats?
What are your plans to settle with a guy? Will it work or fall apart?
Why do you think your ex said you were controlling?
Do you like Chocolate? Cheesecake?
Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
Do you like kids? Have you ever dated any?
What foreign languages do you speak?
What’s your ideal honeymoon? Two weeks in the Himalayas?? Really?
Have you ever been to Paris? To Des Moines?
Are you religious?
What’s your next career move?
When are we meeting next? How soon do you think you’ll call??

I’m sure it’s the Circus that offers fabulous travel opportunities for two dating people from opposite ends of the earth, with as little in common as humanly possible.

Sometimes it works & you are hopeful, sometimes it don't, & you pray that he didn't note your phone number wrong. Reality hits! You go home & cry, eventually laugh & never speak to him again. & after you forget just how bad it was, you let yourself again into it & do it to you again without Losing hopes on Love.

Knitted Dreams with Love for Love.

“Kiss me first, My Man”. This is for you.

My eyes will follow you. I’m totally unaware. I’m blind to anything, but your love partnering me… my ‘Life Partner’. Your world will be my world, just as my world will be yours. We’ll fit together & nothing-nothing whatsoever will ever be parting us.

I don’t need a car ride, I’ll enjoy walking hand in hand with you around the city.

I don’t need an Americano or Italian Mocha at Coffee-bar, I’ll enjoy sharing a street tea all one by two with you.

I don’t need any expensive cuisines in two different platters at a restaurant, we’ll cook gumbo with Love at home & feed each other through the same bowl.

I don’t need a 1.5 ton AC in 45 degrees, I’ll sleep in your warmth in winter nights & you’ll be talking all naughty stuff we played in past.

Its when I’ll put all my energy to give you a soothing head massage to relieve your headache after you come from tiring work.

Its when I’ll make a hot coffee for you & take a sip before offering you to ensure if its okay.

Its when I’ll give you the best piece of cookie, cake or chicken I have in my plate.

Its when I’ll hold your hand tightly on a slippery road after rain for your protection.

Ours will be an intense bonding unlike others. Because we’ll be breathing life into our bonding & make it live even after death do us apart.

Of Love & Potatoes… (VOL. II)

He tells me so easily that I’m infidel, I act insane, I’m tormented, I’m nerd, I’m crazy. Then, what was I when he asked my hand which was promised not to leave be whatever the consequences? A Nut? Definitely, yes, because I affirmed his proposal, gave him a nod. But I didn’t know that I was actually being alarmed by his proposal which meant, “I’m going to use you for some time & TRASHhhh…” There I’m in a bin when he gets someone else.

I overcome it, then again I repeat the same. Now this one tells me to visit the coffee bar & watch SATC when I want to clear the air figuring out the reason for our breakup. Omigod! Was that a mock or a sarcastic slap on my face? Are men insane or is it me? May be, its me. I fell for all the wrong men, then where are the right ones? Yet to be born or already reserving 6 feet beds in graveyards?

On Valentines I was sitting alone at the sea. Suddenly a floating rubber balloon in red stole my view. T’was inflated with full air of hope. Round, plummy with an evident cleft in between. I was wondering how long will its float go? Eventually, it’ll be trailed towards a sharp rock & BURSTttttt…, there its journey ends. But then I realized, what is with me, my heart is just like that fragile rubber balloon which is inflated when I fall in love & floats in the sea of faith & emotions but then it bursts when waves of betrayal throw it on the sharp surface of sea-rock.

As a woman friend of mine always says, “taken for grantedness” to her beau & ofcourse she eating the bitter fruits of Love as well. I agree & stay adamant on this “taken for granted” attitude of some men who are no Gentleman or Handsome. I feel sorry not for the forsaken ones in Love but for the holy & beautiful emotion itself which today stands beside a whore for business (lust); floats in the sea of dismay (after betrayal); emotional floods of tears, curses & wrong actions. Its just getting Hollow, wise Men!

Of Love & Potatoes… (VOL. I)

What?

It sounds weird??

No it’s not.

Ever heard of “Dropped Like a Hot Potato” after a good Break up? Yesss, there you get me now. Everything is so rosy when you fall in Love with someone, You take oaths; you promise assurances; you are ready to make sacrifice & what not. But then what? That man dumps you. You are in excruciating pain! Lord in Heaven!!!

Heartbroken, Love fallen apart, still you tend to smile. You call him a bastard & you not call him a cheat. You miss him & you miss your heartbeat. You type sms’s of pain, you write him moushiwake’s. But failure & destruction. Sleepless nights till you again fall in love; turbulent life till the next bloom. You colour the moment when you are in love. You fill beautiful colours within boundaries of your art but then he spills the rioty brushwater over it leaving it ugly & patchy.

The floods wash you off, you feel spineless.

Tears dry; pillows wet.

Inbox blank; outbox filled.

Awaiting response; searching ray of hope…

A Mocking Dialogue after Defeat in Love (on Valentines)

(time- 11am something)

Me: “Hi. So hws ur day planned?”

(awaiting reply for long, but no signs. Then again I send a text at 5pm in the evening).

Me: “Hey not even a reply! I aint horrible (smiley)”

(again no reply. I again send a text at night around 10.30pm while sitting at the seaface).

Me: “Hi (smiley) Hope alls well! Hw was ur day?”

(Now my cell phone beeps)

Him: “Same as urs.”

Me: “Mine wsnt good! Still hovering around @ sea face.”

Him: “Gud. Wat @ ccd?”

Me: “No.. sitting @ d sea”

Him: “Omg! Ccd kit oh waat lagayi phir!!!”

Me: “jst wnt 2 tel u dt my lyf hs becum mess.. dnt feel lik living nemore.”

Him: “watch sex & the city. U will learn more if u havnt.”

Me: “u think its all funny?”

Him: “Hav u seen d movie? May b u hav seen d funnier part of it… But der is much more into it dan any1 can learn. Watch it over again today u will understand more.”

Me: “y r u doing dis 2 me…don’t u luv me nemore?”

Him: “I gues u never understand me, wat do u want? Lose a frnd or lose me. Choice is al urs 2 undrstnd or not to undrstnd & make me d worst prsn of ur lyf who gav u d most painful moment. GN. SKRD.”

(he has this habit of writing GN (Good Night) & SKRD (Sweet Kisses & Romantic Dreams) which ofcourse he learnt from me.)

Me: “I’ll never forgive myself for dis… I lovd u the most in dis world bt I dnt deserv u seems though.”

Him: “U r not undrstnding lyf May b its u will undrstnd it later”

Me: “u want me as a fren or ur life-partner..”

Him: “who was wid u till now? Frnd Or Life-Partner?”

I knew him for more than 3 years. He had proposed me & I was confused to nod or not. But I did overcoming my fears. I had faith in him & I took the first step in love. I didn’t have to see the whole staircase, I just took the first step & he mocked at me. There weren’t any stairs further. I was fooled. But still I strived, I put in my efforts, I gave more than my 100%, I had been true to his ideals. This alone was worth my battle with Love.

I hear a voice within me say, “you cannot paint”, but then by all means, I paint & that voice is silenced. I can’t afford to lose hopes on love because I dream dreams with my man & I’m ready to pay the price of my emotions to make them come true.

I hope God pity me.